1 00:00:03,168 --> 00:00:07,171 [♪] 2 00:01:10,036 --> 00:01:11,803 [door slams] 3 00:01:13,739 --> 00:01:15,807 [dog barks over television] 4 00:01:15,808 --> 00:01:17,008 Boy: What is it, rinty? 5 00:01:17,009 --> 00:01:18,242 You say the bad men 6 00:01:18,243 --> 00:01:19,944 Are coming from the southeast by boat, 7 00:01:19,945 --> 00:01:21,445 And they're armed with knives? 8 00:01:21,446 --> 00:01:23,048 [dog barks] 9 00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:25,717 They're armed with guns, and they're foreigners. 10 00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:26,918 Good boy. 11 00:01:26,919 --> 00:01:29,620 Thanks to you, the village will be saved. 12 00:01:29,621 --> 00:01:30,621 [dog barks] 13 00:01:30,622 --> 00:01:33,324 Aw. We love you too, boy. 14 00:01:33,325 --> 00:01:35,193 [sentimental music plays] 15 00:01:38,964 --> 00:01:39,831 [shuts tv off] 16 00:01:42,301 --> 00:01:43,301 You know, I just realized 17 00:01:43,302 --> 00:01:44,703 That we've got someone in this house 18 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,571 That eats, lies around all day, 19 00:01:46,572 --> 00:01:49,373 And does absolutely nothing. 20 00:01:49,374 --> 00:01:51,810 Aw, buck is cute. 21 00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:53,945 I was talking about you, peg. 22 00:01:56,281 --> 00:01:59,517 But the dog's pretty useless too. 23 00:01:59,518 --> 00:02:01,419 You know, something else just dawned on me. 24 00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:04,923 That people can shower during the week? 25 00:02:04,924 --> 00:02:07,225 No, love of my life. 26 00:02:07,226 --> 00:02:09,027 No, that there's no one in this damn house 27 00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:10,294 Does anything for me. 28 00:02:10,295 --> 00:02:11,696 Now, I'm the breadwinner. 29 00:02:11,697 --> 00:02:12,731 I deserve better treatment. 30 00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:14,365 Like, hey, I know. 31 00:02:14,366 --> 00:02:16,134 The next time I come home from work, 32 00:02:16,135 --> 00:02:18,870 I want someone to bring me my slippers. 33 00:02:18,871 --> 00:02:20,071 The question is who. 34 00:02:20,072 --> 00:02:23,307 Actually, when it comes to your slippers, 35 00:02:23,308 --> 00:02:26,677 The question is how... 36 00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:29,347 As in how can a man make his slippers 37 00:02:29,348 --> 00:02:32,751 Smell even worse than his feet? 38 00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:36,921 Hey, I sweat the sweat of the dead, peg. 39 00:02:36,922 --> 00:02:38,156 Anyhow, getting back 40 00:02:38,157 --> 00:02:40,324 To who's going to bring me my slippers, you... 41 00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:41,659 Well, I think you're untrainable. 42 00:02:43,595 --> 00:02:45,396 The kids don't care if I live or die, 43 00:02:45,397 --> 00:02:48,133 So...I guess that leaves buck. 44 00:02:48,134 --> 00:02:50,201 Maybe everybody can learn from him. 45 00:02:50,202 --> 00:02:55,006 Well, that is how we toilet-trained the kids. 46 00:02:55,007 --> 00:02:57,208 Of course, bud was 5 47 00:02:57,209 --> 00:02:58,709 Before he stopped getting excited 48 00:02:58,710 --> 00:03:00,211 Every time he saw a tree. 49 00:03:00,212 --> 00:03:01,679 [both laugh] 50 00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:06,317 But that's what teachers in kindergarten are for. 51 00:03:08,587 --> 00:03:09,754 Now, buck, 52 00:03:09,755 --> 00:03:11,923 You just saw rin tin tin save an entire nation. 53 00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:13,992 Pretty inspiring, wasn't it? 54 00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:14,993 The least you can do 55 00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:16,594 Is lift your head and look at me, 56 00:03:16,595 --> 00:03:18,062 You shiftless, lazy-- 57 00:03:18,063 --> 00:03:19,063 I can't believe it. 58 00:03:19,064 --> 00:03:20,265 You must be the laziest dog-- 59 00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:22,400 Where does he learn this from? 60 00:03:24,536 --> 00:03:27,438 Peg, get up. 61 00:03:27,439 --> 00:03:30,041 Is dinner ready? 62 00:03:30,042 --> 00:03:31,943 Buck, you're gonna learn to get daddy's slippers. 63 00:03:31,944 --> 00:03:35,213 Now, I'm gonna pretend that I just got home from work. 64 00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:40,985 Oh, boy, I'm beat. 65 00:03:40,986 --> 00:03:42,120 Just an average day. 66 00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:44,923 Kelly failed another test. 67 00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:48,259 Bud's dealing three-card monte at the old folks' home. 68 00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:51,229 Mommy's in oprah coma. 69 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:55,166 Daddy earned a cool 75 cents slaving in the shoe mines. 70 00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:56,835 Oh, boy, am I tired. 71 00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,837 My tootsies are killing me. 72 00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:01,039 Boy, would I like to have some slippers 73 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,773 To go on my feet. 74 00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:10,148 Al, forget about the dog. 75 00:04:10,149 --> 00:04:12,083 So you said you made 75 cents? 76 00:04:12,084 --> 00:04:13,584 Oh, god. 77 00:04:13,585 --> 00:04:16,554 Peg, I'm not giving up. 78 00:04:16,555 --> 00:04:17,555 See the problem is 79 00:04:17,556 --> 00:04:18,589 Buck doesn't know my slippers, 80 00:04:18,590 --> 00:04:20,258 So I'm going to show them to him 81 00:04:20,259 --> 00:04:21,592 And then give him the scent. 82 00:04:21,593 --> 00:04:23,161 Honey... 83 00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:27,031 The whole neighborhood knows the smell of your feet. 84 00:04:27,032 --> 00:04:28,233 Remember that incident 85 00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:31,236 With the burning air wick on the front lawn? 86 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:32,971 Go ahead, yuk it up, peg, 87 00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:34,973 But as soon as buck learns how to make tang, 88 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:36,774 You're on the first bus. 89 00:04:39,111 --> 00:04:40,144 Dad... 90 00:04:40,145 --> 00:04:41,346 Why is buck rubbing his nose 91 00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,814 Back and forth on the ground? 92 00:04:43,815 --> 00:04:47,185 It's a sign of pride in male dogs. 93 00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:48,552 How was school today, bud? 94 00:04:48,553 --> 00:04:50,355 Not that I care. 95 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:52,190 I'm glad that you asked that, dad, 96 00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:53,791 Because I'm not being all I can be. 97 00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:56,027 Now, you know what we need in this house? 98 00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:58,763 Poison gas coming through the vents? 99 00:04:58,764 --> 00:05:00,531 He only thinks of himself. 100 00:05:00,532 --> 00:05:02,133 What do we need, dear? 101 00:05:02,134 --> 00:05:03,968 A computer. 102 00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:04,969 Okay. 103 00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:07,338 Al, write him a check. 104 00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:08,339 Oh, yeah, sure. 105 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:09,507 Hey, even better, you know, 106 00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:11,509 Go to the vault where we keep the gold bars 107 00:05:11,510 --> 00:05:14,412 And chip off what you need. 108 00:05:14,413 --> 00:05:16,414 If anybody wants me, I'll be at the country club. 109 00:05:16,415 --> 00:05:20,184 They're having the big al bundy golf classic. 110 00:05:20,185 --> 00:05:23,021 I'm hole nine. 111 00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:24,088 Come on, al. 112 00:05:24,089 --> 00:05:25,156 Don't you want bud 113 00:05:25,157 --> 00:05:27,225 To have all the things you never had? 114 00:05:27,226 --> 00:05:29,593 You know, an education, a good job, 115 00:05:29,594 --> 00:05:31,062 A happy wife? 116 00:05:31,063 --> 00:05:34,498 You can't tell me that seeing me up to my armpits in misery 117 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:35,366 Doesn't make you happy. 118 00:05:37,002 --> 00:05:38,602 Now, we're not getting a computer. 119 00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:40,038 Computers are ruining the country. 120 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:42,373 Computers and women. 121 00:05:42,374 --> 00:05:45,043 Yes, and they're quite similar, al, 122 00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:48,079 Because you don't know how to turn on either one. 123 00:05:51,383 --> 00:05:54,585 I'm not interested in either one. 124 00:05:56,188 --> 00:05:57,822 Mom, can I have a computer? 125 00:05:57,823 --> 00:05:59,357 Of course you can, dear. 126 00:05:59,358 --> 00:06:01,592 What color would you like? 127 00:06:01,593 --> 00:06:02,593 I must be dead. 128 00:06:02,594 --> 00:06:04,329 I speak. No one hears me. 129 00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:07,332 Al, we have to get bud a computer. 130 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:10,134 He has a chance to be the first bundy ever 131 00:06:10,135 --> 00:06:11,135 To go to college. 132 00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:13,171 My uncle edwin went to college. 133 00:06:13,172 --> 00:06:18,242 He was a cadaver for the pre-med students. 134 00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:19,777 And what about kelly? 135 00:06:19,778 --> 00:06:21,079 She could use one. 136 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,181 You know, she might wanna go to college, you know? 137 00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:25,883 Oh, god. 138 00:06:25,884 --> 00:06:27,852 Remedial reading test tomorrow. 139 00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:30,788 I mean, what do I care 140 00:06:30,789 --> 00:06:33,624 If jack and jill fell down a hall? 141 00:06:36,495 --> 00:06:38,829 I mean, why were they even in the building? 142 00:06:43,435 --> 00:06:45,236 Kelly, we're getting a computer. 143 00:06:45,237 --> 00:06:46,871 Oh, cool. What color? 144 00:06:46,872 --> 00:06:49,207 Well, I was thinking blue. 145 00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:50,808 You know, we really need one too. 146 00:06:50,809 --> 00:06:52,977 What do they do? 147 00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:57,015 Al, do you know 148 00:06:57,016 --> 00:07:00,084 Your dog is burying himself in your backyard? 149 00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:01,319 Well, I hope 150 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,720 It's not the spot by the hose, 151 00:07:02,721 --> 00:07:05,156 Because that little plot's for me. 152 00:07:05,157 --> 00:07:07,791 Hey, mr. And mrs. Rhoades, we're getting a computer. 153 00:07:07,792 --> 00:07:13,131 Oh, steve, a computer. 154 00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:15,533 I remember our first computer. 155 00:07:15,534 --> 00:07:18,302 To buy it, we each decided to give up something, 156 00:07:18,303 --> 00:07:19,670 To sacrifice, 157 00:07:19,671 --> 00:07:21,272 So that we could have our little computer. 158 00:07:21,273 --> 00:07:23,541 Steve gave up getting a new car 159 00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:25,343 For another year, and I-- 160 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:28,146 I gave up my class on napkin-folding. 161 00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:33,651 Steve just let me. 162 00:07:33,652 --> 00:07:34,852 Now he's got a new mercedes, 163 00:07:34,853 --> 00:07:37,855 And I'll never know how to make a napkin hat. 164 00:07:37,856 --> 00:07:40,491 Thanks, steve. 165 00:07:40,492 --> 00:07:45,063 But I'm working that out in therapy. 166 00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:46,697 Meantime, you're getting a computer? 167 00:07:50,135 --> 00:07:51,402 We don't need a computer 168 00:07:51,403 --> 00:07:52,803 And I'll tell you what would happen 169 00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:53,804 If we got one. 170 00:07:53,805 --> 00:07:55,206 Just like when we had the kids, 171 00:07:55,207 --> 00:07:57,341 Everybody oohs and ahs the first couple of days. 172 00:07:57,342 --> 00:07:59,143 Then after the novelty wears off, 173 00:07:59,144 --> 00:08:00,411 It just sits there, collects dust, 174 00:08:00,412 --> 00:08:02,947 And cries for food. 175 00:08:02,948 --> 00:08:05,450 No, I'm telling you, nobody needs kids. 176 00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:08,419 No. I mean, a computer. 177 00:08:10,922 --> 00:08:13,691 I used to be like you, al. 178 00:08:13,692 --> 00:08:15,259 Well, not just like you. 179 00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:21,299 I mean, I cared about personal hygiene and... 180 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,202 Had change for a dollar... 181 00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,204 But I too doubted the computer. 182 00:08:26,205 --> 00:08:27,371 No longer, al. 183 00:08:27,372 --> 00:08:29,574 The computer can be your friend... 184 00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:30,641 Especially on those long nights 185 00:08:30,642 --> 00:08:32,042 When your wife isn't talking to you 186 00:08:32,043 --> 00:08:33,444 Because you can't fold a stinkin' napkin. 187 00:08:35,547 --> 00:08:37,148 Well, I need something on those long nights 188 00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:40,318 When my wife is talking to me. 189 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:42,553 Much like a family, what will a computer do for me? 190 00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:44,388 It can do all sorts of things, 191 00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:45,956 Like keeping up with sports scores. 192 00:08:45,957 --> 00:08:47,458 Newspaper. 193 00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,459 Social events. 194 00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:50,461 Tv guide. 195 00:08:52,964 --> 00:08:55,433 Organizing recipes. 196 00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:57,535 Don't eat. 197 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,405 Doctors' appointments. 198 00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:03,874 Don't care. 199 00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,943 Maybe we're talking to the wrong person. 200 00:09:05,944 --> 00:09:06,944 Peggy, a computer can be 201 00:09:06,945 --> 00:09:08,346 The most wonderful thing in the world. 202 00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:09,647 I'm sold. 203 00:09:09,648 --> 00:09:10,648 No, really-- 204 00:09:10,649 --> 00:09:11,682 I don't care. I'm sold. 205 00:09:11,683 --> 00:09:12,983 Let's get one. 206 00:09:12,984 --> 00:09:14,318 Hey... 207 00:09:14,319 --> 00:09:16,086 Hey, I make the decisions around here... 208 00:09:16,087 --> 00:09:17,288 Bud: I want a laser printer. 209 00:09:17,289 --> 00:09:18,456 And I'm telling you 210 00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:20,291 That there will not be any computers in this-- 211 00:09:20,292 --> 00:09:23,294 And I want my dinner. 212 00:09:23,295 --> 00:09:25,496 And my slippers. 213 00:09:25,497 --> 00:09:28,666 Because I'm the boss here, damn it! 214 00:09:30,602 --> 00:09:33,404 At least there's one place that I'm still the king. 215 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:48,452 Boy, what a hard day at work I had today. 216 00:09:48,453 --> 00:09:52,256 My feet are killing me. 217 00:09:52,257 --> 00:09:56,026 Wish I had some nice slippers to put them in. 218 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:06,136 Well, it's not quite it, buck, 219 00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:08,972 But try to remember this for when we go to the beach. 220 00:10:11,109 --> 00:10:13,110 Okay, I don't think I'm explaining it to you right. 221 00:10:13,111 --> 00:10:15,179 Come on up here on the couch. 222 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:17,981 Good boy. Stay. 223 00:10:17,982 --> 00:10:20,284 I'm gonna go over here and show you how it's done. 224 00:10:20,285 --> 00:10:22,320 You stay there and be me. 225 00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:25,823 I'll show you what a real dog's like. 226 00:10:25,824 --> 00:10:27,858 Oh, look, my master's home. 227 00:10:27,859 --> 00:10:31,229 Curse the luck that brought him to that foul woman. 228 00:10:33,131 --> 00:10:34,932 I'll bet he'd be much more comfortable 229 00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:36,133 With his slippers. 230 00:10:36,134 --> 00:10:38,001 I'll go get them for him. 231 00:10:44,576 --> 00:10:46,644 See? 232 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,279 See? 233 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,179 Huh? 234 00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,320 Um, mom... 235 00:10:56,321 --> 00:10:59,523 Is this truly the end? 236 00:10:59,524 --> 00:11:02,393 Because if it is, I'm not walking him. 237 00:11:02,394 --> 00:11:04,262 Don't worry, honey. 238 00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:07,265 If daddy the dog is anything like daddy the man, 239 00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:09,066 He'll just put a newspaper under his paw 240 00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,769 And lock himself in a tree for an hour. 241 00:11:15,173 --> 00:11:18,041 Dad, wait till you see what we got. 242 00:11:18,042 --> 00:11:19,042 Al, you're gonna be proud 243 00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:20,043 Of what I did. 244 00:11:20,044 --> 00:11:21,845 I saved you $200. 245 00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:23,814 Thanks, steve. 246 00:11:23,815 --> 00:11:25,416 Yep, they wouldn't give you anything off 247 00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:26,617 On the $1200 model, 248 00:11:26,618 --> 00:11:27,985 So I said, "no way, josé 249 00:11:27,986 --> 00:11:30,354 I am not leaving here without a discount." 250 00:11:30,355 --> 00:11:31,355 So I got them 251 00:11:31,356 --> 00:11:33,758 To give you a $200 rebate 252 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:36,761 On this $2100 model. 253 00:11:39,864 --> 00:11:43,100 Peg, you spent $1900? 254 00:11:43,101 --> 00:11:46,069 No. I spent $2100, 255 00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:48,238 Because with the $200 we saved you, 256 00:11:48,239 --> 00:11:51,642 I bought this dress. 257 00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:54,278 So, actually, this dress was free. 258 00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:55,913 And you got a $200 rebate. 259 00:12:02,053 --> 00:12:04,154 Yeah, I guess that's what my horoscope meant 260 00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:07,792 When it said, "kaboom." 261 00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:08,793 Al, what you're overlooking 262 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,195 Is all the things this model can do. 263 00:12:11,196 --> 00:12:13,764 This...Is a muscle machine. 264 00:12:13,765 --> 00:12:14,965 It's fully loaded. 265 00:12:14,966 --> 00:12:17,435 It has a 3600-baud modem, 266 00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:19,870 A vga, high-resolution color monitor, 267 00:12:19,871 --> 00:12:21,972 A 40-megabyte hard disk, 268 00:12:21,973 --> 00:12:24,475 And seven megabytes of ram. 269 00:12:28,947 --> 00:12:32,883 Steve, it's the you of computers. 270 00:12:32,884 --> 00:12:35,820 You ain't just whistling ibm, baby. 271 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:39,357 Welcome to tomorrowland, al. 272 00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:40,758 Where would you like it? 273 00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:41,759 Put it over here 274 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,094 In "it's a broke world after all." 275 00:12:44,095 --> 00:12:45,563 Oh, al... 276 00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:46,664 Just because we're flat broke 277 00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:47,665 Doesn't mean 278 00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:49,166 We have to live like animals. 279 00:12:49,167 --> 00:12:50,234 Now, this machine 280 00:12:50,235 --> 00:12:52,202 Is gonna wind up saving us money 281 00:12:52,203 --> 00:12:53,371 In the long run. 282 00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:57,808 How? Does it emit powerful life-draining radiation? 283 00:12:57,809 --> 00:12:59,142 Well, I don't know. 284 00:12:59,143 --> 00:13:01,044 I don't even know how to use it. 285 00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:02,646 I don't even know why we need it. 286 00:13:02,647 --> 00:13:05,048 I just know I want it. 287 00:13:05,049 --> 00:13:09,119 You know, like when we had the kids. 288 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,554 Let's set it up. 289 00:13:10,555 --> 00:13:12,155 Hey, we can put it on the desk 290 00:13:12,156 --> 00:13:14,525 Where daddy thinks he's hiding money from us. 291 00:13:14,526 --> 00:13:17,027 Oh, no, let's put it on the coffee table. 292 00:13:17,028 --> 00:13:18,863 Oh, we'd better dust it off, though. 293 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,498 We'll need something to wipe it with. 294 00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:23,534 Bud, go get daddy's good sweater. 295 00:13:23,535 --> 00:13:24,535 You know, 296 00:13:24,536 --> 00:13:26,670 The one that his mother knitted for him. 297 00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:31,709 You're going to dust for the computer? 298 00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,677 When was the last time you dusted for me 299 00:13:33,678 --> 00:13:37,247 Or cooked for me or listened to one word I said? 300 00:13:37,248 --> 00:13:39,717 Al, don't just sit there silently. 301 00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:42,286 Say something about the computer. 302 00:13:42,287 --> 00:13:45,322 Is my family lost to me? 303 00:13:45,323 --> 00:13:47,958 Am I the forgotten marx brother? 304 00:13:47,959 --> 00:13:50,327 Am I zeppo bundy? 305 00:13:52,564 --> 00:13:54,097 Finally, someone who knows 306 00:13:54,098 --> 00:13:55,733 Who the real master of this house is. 307 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:58,135 Oh. 308 00:13:58,136 --> 00:14:00,471 Computer [male voice]: Hello, al. 309 00:14:03,107 --> 00:14:07,411 I cost you a lot of money, didn't I, 310 00:14:07,412 --> 00:14:10,347 And nobody's touched me, have they? 311 00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:13,183 Well, looks like you were right again. 312 00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:14,618 Just like you were about your marriage, 313 00:14:14,619 --> 00:14:16,186 Your kids, and your job. 314 00:14:16,187 --> 00:14:18,155 [laughs] 315 00:14:18,156 --> 00:14:20,758 Come on, smile for me, al. 316 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,125 I'm not so bad. 317 00:14:22,126 --> 00:14:24,061 Every family needs a computer. 318 00:14:24,062 --> 00:14:26,363 [laughs] 319 00:14:26,364 --> 00:14:30,768 Dad, I've got this book report due in... 320 00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,570 Oh, god, what do you call it, 321 00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,171 The subject with the words? 322 00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:35,172 English? 323 00:14:35,173 --> 00:14:36,841 Yeah. 324 00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:39,710 So I've got this book report for tomorrow on moby dick, 325 00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:41,512 And I've been, like, reading it for an hour 326 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:42,713 And I got stumped on something. 327 00:14:42,714 --> 00:14:44,448 Could you help me? What? 328 00:14:44,449 --> 00:14:47,618 Call who ishmael? 329 00:14:49,888 --> 00:14:51,755 Ah, me. 330 00:14:51,756 --> 00:14:53,290 Kelly, look, we've got a million-dollar computer 331 00:14:53,291 --> 00:14:54,324 Sitting over here, 332 00:14:54,325 --> 00:14:55,926 Why don't you do your report on it? 333 00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:57,060 I tried. 334 00:14:57,061 --> 00:14:59,329 I turned it on, and I typed in "ishmael." 335 00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:01,264 Do you know what it said to me, dad? 336 00:15:01,265 --> 00:15:04,301 "ishmael." 337 00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:07,070 It even spelled it wrong, and then it just sat there. 338 00:15:07,071 --> 00:15:08,372 What am I gonna do? 339 00:15:08,373 --> 00:15:12,142 Kelly, daddy's a ticking time bomb right now. 340 00:15:12,143 --> 00:15:14,845 Ask your brother. 341 00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,046 Hey, there, lonely boy. 342 00:15:18,483 --> 00:15:19,650 I've got this book report. 343 00:15:19,651 --> 00:15:22,052 Do you know who ishmael is? 344 00:15:22,053 --> 00:15:23,521 Moby dick? 345 00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:24,655 Yeah, you know it? 346 00:15:24,656 --> 00:15:27,257 The classic whaling tale by herman melville. 347 00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:29,059 I know just about everything there is. 348 00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:30,260 What do you need to know? 349 00:15:30,261 --> 00:15:32,295 What happens? 350 00:15:32,296 --> 00:15:34,431 Let's see. 351 00:15:34,432 --> 00:15:37,601 Ishmael and the whale were actually good friends... 352 00:15:37,602 --> 00:15:39,703 And the whale would talk. 353 00:15:42,073 --> 00:15:43,841 Oh, cool! 354 00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:53,116 Yep. 355 00:15:53,117 --> 00:15:55,986 The whale would call him wilbur. 356 00:15:59,190 --> 00:16:01,224 He called ishmael, wilbur? 357 00:16:01,225 --> 00:16:02,325 Exactly... 358 00:16:02,326 --> 00:16:04,261 Computer didn't know that. 359 00:16:10,168 --> 00:16:13,303 And they sang this classic whaling song. 360 00:16:13,304 --> 00:16:17,107 [to the tune of "mr. Ed"] ♪ a whale is a whale of course, of course ♪ 361 00:16:17,108 --> 00:16:19,309 ♪ and no one's talked to a whale of course ♪ 362 00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:21,111 ♪ unless, of course the whale, of course ♪ 363 00:16:21,112 --> 00:16:23,447 ♪ is the fabulous mr. Dick ♪ 364 00:16:27,552 --> 00:16:28,752 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 365 00:16:28,753 --> 00:16:30,988 You're going too fast. You're going too fast. 366 00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:34,124 Oh, this is so good. 367 00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:35,192 And I bet the whale 368 00:16:35,193 --> 00:16:37,094 Wouldn't talk to anyone but wilbur, huh? 369 00:16:37,095 --> 00:16:38,361 You hear that, dad? 370 00:16:38,362 --> 00:16:39,897 Make those college reservations now 371 00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:42,666 Because this girl is going places. 372 00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:46,470 Ah. 373 00:16:48,506 --> 00:16:50,474 Bud, I hope you realize when she grows up, 374 00:16:50,475 --> 00:16:53,844 It's your responsibility to take care of her. 375 00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:55,145 Because when she's 21, 376 00:16:55,146 --> 00:16:58,482 High school student or not, she's outta here. 377 00:16:58,483 --> 00:17:00,283 Don't worry, dad. 378 00:17:00,284 --> 00:17:01,819 Bud, hey, 379 00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:02,820 Don't you want to play 380 00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:03,854 With the computer or something? 381 00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:05,255 Why would I wanna use the computer 382 00:17:05,256 --> 00:17:07,357 When I got a blank screen like kelly upstairs? 383 00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:14,932 Al. 384 00:17:17,268 --> 00:17:18,669 Al? 385 00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:20,303 What? 386 00:17:20,304 --> 00:17:22,506 You don't look comfortable, al. 387 00:17:22,507 --> 00:17:23,707 Why don't you get the dog 388 00:17:23,708 --> 00:17:25,943 To bring you your slippers? 389 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,515 Buck. 390 00:17:31,516 --> 00:17:33,651 Buck. 391 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:36,453 Boy, my tootsies are tired. 392 00:17:36,454 --> 00:17:38,188 Buck. 393 00:17:38,189 --> 00:17:39,189 Buck-- 394 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:41,591 The damn dog is untrainable. 395 00:17:41,592 --> 00:17:45,129 Good boy, buck. 396 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,665 Take it upstairs. 397 00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:50,868 Good boy! 398 00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:53,103 Close the door behind you. 399 00:17:53,104 --> 00:17:54,004 [door closes] 400 00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:58,441 He's a wonder dog. 401 00:17:58,442 --> 00:18:00,644 Now, peg, we've had this computer for-- 402 00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:01,945 I know what you're gonna say, 403 00:18:01,946 --> 00:18:03,413 That it's just a waste of money, 404 00:18:03,414 --> 00:18:06,083 But I'm gonna use it right now. 405 00:18:13,624 --> 00:18:15,125 Oh, al. 406 00:18:15,126 --> 00:18:17,094 It sets off the whole computer. 407 00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:20,898 Okay, before I embark on our 78-month, 408 00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:24,434 25-percent interest, easy-payment plan, 409 00:18:24,435 --> 00:18:25,435 You think you could 410 00:18:25,436 --> 00:18:26,737 Just turn the damn thing on. 411 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,972 Well, I don't know how. 412 00:18:28,973 --> 00:18:30,407 Well, where's the instructions? 413 00:18:30,408 --> 00:18:33,010 Well, I told the kids pick them up off the floor. 414 00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:34,078 They didn't, 415 00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:36,613 So to punish them, I threw them away. 416 00:18:36,614 --> 00:18:37,948 Peg. 417 00:18:37,949 --> 00:18:39,817 I'm going to say this simply, 418 00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:42,285 So we both can understand. 419 00:18:42,286 --> 00:18:44,888 Now, this computer cost me a fortune. 420 00:18:44,889 --> 00:18:46,156 Now, I don't plan 421 00:18:46,157 --> 00:18:47,858 To watch our money go down the drain 422 00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:49,893 Like I did with the stove and the refrigerator 423 00:18:49,894 --> 00:18:52,229 And our marriage certificate. 424 00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:55,032 Now, as I slowly sink into bankruptcy, 425 00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,633 I want to have a memory, 426 00:18:56,634 --> 00:18:59,103 So I want you to do something, 427 00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:01,004 Anything, with that computer. 428 00:19:01,005 --> 00:19:05,109 [printing, beeping] 429 00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,310 There. You happy, al? 430 00:19:07,311 --> 00:19:10,114 Yeah. Couldn't be happier. 431 00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,282 He doesn't mean it. 432 00:19:12,283 --> 00:19:14,417 A wife knows. 433 00:19:14,418 --> 00:19:15,886 I may as well face it. 434 00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:17,921 I didn't marry a happy man. 435 00:19:17,922 --> 00:19:19,189 Yes, you did, peg. 436 00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:22,259 You just turned him into me. 437 00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:25,428 He sells shoes, he's flat-broke, 438 00:19:25,429 --> 00:19:27,597 And it's me that he's mad at. 439 00:19:27,598 --> 00:19:28,598 Well, that's it. 440 00:19:28,599 --> 00:19:30,000 I'm not spending any more money 441 00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:32,236 On al's computer. 442 00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,238 Let's go buy something for me. 443 00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,472 I'll be right back. 444 00:19:35,473 --> 00:19:37,141 I'm just going to get the kids' piggy banks. 445 00:19:41,913 --> 00:19:44,047 Uh, marcie. 446 00:19:44,048 --> 00:19:45,849 We've been living next door to each other 447 00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,117 How long now? 448 00:19:47,118 --> 00:19:50,487 Nine hundred and thirty-seven days. 449 00:19:50,488 --> 00:19:52,089 Yeah, well, anyhow, 450 00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:54,324 I just thought, you know, it's been a long time 451 00:19:54,325 --> 00:19:55,826 Since I did something nice for you, 452 00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:57,828 So how about this? 453 00:19:57,829 --> 00:19:58,929 Buy this computer off me. 454 00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:00,931 Get it the hell out of my house. 455 00:20:00,932 --> 00:20:02,399 It's real nice. 456 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,403 It's got rams and bytes, and it's got a hat rack. 457 00:20:06,404 --> 00:20:08,872 $2,500 worth of stuff sitting there. 458 00:20:08,873 --> 00:20:10,908 Make me an offer. 459 00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,976 Thirty dollars. 460 00:20:12,977 --> 00:20:14,377 Thirty dollars. 461 00:20:14,378 --> 00:20:17,781 I didn't say for my life, I said for the computer. 462 00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,883 It's only a week old and it's never been touched. 463 00:20:19,884 --> 00:20:21,551 Well, al, to be honest, 464 00:20:21,552 --> 00:20:23,553 It's slow, it's underpowered, 465 00:20:23,554 --> 00:20:25,122 It's obsolete. 466 00:20:25,123 --> 00:20:26,223 Let's face it. 467 00:20:26,224 --> 00:20:29,159 It's the you of computers. 468 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,260 Personally, 469 00:20:30,261 --> 00:20:32,462 I wouldn't fertilize a farm with it. 470 00:20:32,463 --> 00:20:34,998 Okay, I'm ready to go. 471 00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:36,633 I don't know how much I can buy, 472 00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,802 But we can sure park till we drop. 473 00:20:38,803 --> 00:20:40,204 You know what this computer needs? 474 00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,205 Another hat. 475 00:20:41,206 --> 00:20:42,672 [marcie and peg laugh] 476 00:20:48,179 --> 00:20:49,046 Al. 477 00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:51,849 Al? 478 00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:52,983 Leave me alone! 479 00:20:52,984 --> 00:20:54,417 Okay, I'll just sit here 480 00:20:54,418 --> 00:20:55,452 And run your electricity bill 481 00:20:55,453 --> 00:20:56,720 Through the roof. 482 00:20:56,721 --> 00:20:57,721 ♪ dum-dee-dum ♪ 483 00:20:57,722 --> 00:20:58,722 That's about a quarter. 484 00:20:58,723 --> 00:20:59,723 ♪ doo-dee-doody-doo ♪ 485 00:20:59,724 --> 00:21:00,790 37 cents. 486 00:21:00,791 --> 00:21:03,193 Whoa! Ho, that's a power surge. 487 00:21:03,194 --> 00:21:05,329 That's a buck. 488 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,164 Felt good, though. 489 00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:08,665 Aw, come on, al. 490 00:21:08,666 --> 00:21:09,933 It's not just you. 491 00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:11,068 Me and my kind 492 00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:13,170 Are really of no use to a regular family. 493 00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:15,072 I'm the pet rock of the '80s, buddy. 494 00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:16,273 [chuckles] 495 00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,242 Aw, come back, al. 496 00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:20,177 I really can do great things. 497 00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:21,478 Listen, 498 00:21:21,479 --> 00:21:23,280 Why did the shoe salesman buy a computer? 499 00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:24,514 Give up? 500 00:21:24,515 --> 00:21:26,416 Because he's married to an idiot. 501 00:21:26,417 --> 00:21:28,285 [laughs] 502 00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:32,322 Al. 503 00:21:32,323 --> 00:21:34,524 What are you doing? 504 00:21:34,525 --> 00:21:35,759 Peggy? 505 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:36,927 Kids?! 506 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:38,128 What am I worried about? 507 00:21:38,129 --> 00:21:39,196 No one's stupid enough 508 00:21:39,197 --> 00:21:40,063 To break a $2500-- 509 00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:54,677 Now... 510 00:21:54,678 --> 00:21:58,181 Let's talk about those slippers. 511 00:22:03,121 --> 00:22:05,488 ♪ dum-dee-dum-dee dum-dee-dum-dee-dum ♪ 512 00:22:08,726 --> 00:22:11,061 ♪ dum-dee-dum-dee-dum ♪ 513 00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:22,973 [sighs] 514 00:22:24,976 --> 00:22:28,711 Now...I am truly king. 515 00:22:41,525 --> 00:22:43,427 [♪]